Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
