So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
