You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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