Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
