Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
