I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
