im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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