im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
