i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
