I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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