Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
