Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Still dying that you shit outside
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
