i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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