I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
