Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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