My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
