Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
