You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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