could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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