Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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