Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
