I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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