when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
