Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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