this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it's like heaven, but drunker
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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