brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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