2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
