but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
