Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
