I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
