if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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