took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
