he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
