I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize