I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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