How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
