I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just google imaged poop.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Randomize
