this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Welp...herpes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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