mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
