Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
