Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
