I think my vagina is haunted
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
