Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
