Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
