He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
