We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
