You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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