and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
