It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
