I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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