I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
