I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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