Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
