I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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