I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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