i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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