we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
