Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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