he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
