i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
