Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
